


Alone Time

by skitty98



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23189971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skitty98/pseuds/skitty98
Summary: I've got too much alone timeI could share some with you
Relationships: Morita Takahiro/Yamashita Toru
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, kinda disappointed with the results, I can't write and my english is bad, so this might be my last fic.....

Taka wiped his wet hands on his shirt after cleaning the pile of dishes left by his members. Feeling exhausted from all the chores he did that day, he chose to lie down on his bed, away from the guitarist. Tomoya and Ryota had already left, leaving the two alone. Toru was busy tuning his guitar in the living room, or at least he was pretending to. Recently, the two best friends had been feeling awkward around each other. Taka distanced himself from Toru and they barely had any casual conversation unless it involved the entire band. Toru had no clue of what he did wrong and never bothered to ask. Hence, Taka continued to act that way.

After a few hours of waiting, Toru decided to check up on the vocalist. He tip toed towards Taka’s door only to find him knocked out. _He must be so tired_. Toru thought to himself as he made his way out Taka’s house, smiling as he thought about the smaller man’s sleeping face.

It was already almost evening, and Taka was anxiously waiting for Toru to come over again to discuss a few things about their upcoming album. He knew exactly why he was avoiding Toru and was a coward to do or say anything about it. Even though he wanted to pretend like nothing ever happened, he couldn’t. It’s not easy. Having a crush on your friend is not easy. It’s also not easy trying to figure out what you are. Taka had always thought he was straight. He liked girls. But why does he feel the same towards Toru as he did for his previous girlfriends?

The sound of Taka’s front door opening distracted him from his thoughts. Toru entered, holding two plastic bags full of snacks. He scanned through the items inside the bags as soon as it was handed to him.

“These are all for you,” Toru said, setting the other bag down on the counter in front of the other man as he sat opposite of Taka. “I thought it would help cheer you up. You look sad these days.” Toru continued. Taka looked at him, and gave him the best smile he could muster. The fact that Toru thought of him, did make him happy. However he still felt pain in his chest, and Toru was the cause of it.

After 2 painful hours of working, Taka suggested that he cooks dinner. Toru agreed. He noticed Taka wasn’t really giving his fullest attention and was spacing out often during their meeting. He would agree on whatever suggestions Toru came up with even if it was a stupid one.

They were seated at the dining table when Toru suddenly asked, “What’s bothering you?” Taka never looked up from his food and busied himself by stirring his noodles, “What do you mean?”

“Look at me,” Toru said in a low voice as he leaned closer. “You’ve been avoiding me for the past few weeks, maybe even a month now, Taka. And today, you’re physically here but your mind is elsewhere. So tell me, what’s wrong? Did I do something?” Toru asked.

Taka shook his head, his wide eyes never leaving Toru’s. “You did nothing wrong. I’m just.. I’m going through something right now…”

“Like what?” the taller asked, “I’m your best friend and you’re not telling me this earlier?”

The vocalist frowned, “No? I don’t have to tell anyone, anything.”

It only made Toru angry upon hearing those words come out from his friend’s mouth. Does he not trust him? After 14 years of being friends, he still refuses to open up to him? And why was he the one who had to endure a 31 year old sulking because of something he didn’t do? Surely he deserves to know, right? Toru groaned in frustration, “Fine. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”

Silence filled the room and Toru succeeded in making Taka feel like crap again. He felt angry tears forming at the corner of his eyes and off he went. To his bedroom. Toru pulled his hair in frustration as he watched the small vocalist stomp off to his room like an angsty teenager. He stared at the abandoned bowl of ramen in anger before leaving Taka’s home.

Two weeks went by after their mini argument and things were getting even more obvious than before. This time, even fans were starting to notice it. Since Toru told Ryota and Tomoya about what happened between them, the duo didn’t question further and let them be. They were both concerned but they knew there was no use talking to Taka when he’s upset. They thought Taka was going to calm down and things would eventually get better like how it usually would. It didn’t.

The third week came and Taka was nowhere to be seen or heard. They contacted him, but there was no response. He missed a few band meetings too. Eventually, Tomoya went to visit him at his house. Empty. Until he heard sniffling coming from Taka’s room. He entered the room and found Taka curled up in a ball on his bed with his duvet covering all the way up to his ears. 

He patted the singer’s head after noticing that he had been crying all alone. “Takahiro… What happened?” 

Taka sniffed once again. He really didn’t want to be seen like this, pathetic. Crybaby.

“Aren't you guys tired of me acting up? Do you think i’m a bad person?” he asked softly.

The older pulled his duvet down to get a better look at his face. His eyes were swollen and red. _He must have been crying for hours now_ , he thought to himself. 

“No.. Despite the attitude, you’re still kind hearted. You’re also a really good listener. It’s too bad… You don’t allow us a chance to listen to you too. Why do you keep things to yourself?” Tomoya asked while he gently wiped Taka’s tears that won’t stop falling.

“It’s not that I don’t want to share what’s been bothering me lately,” Taka said. Tomoya’s eyes glistened in curiosity as he nodded, convincing Taka that he was listening.

“I like Toru.”

There was no response. Tomoya’s hand stopped stroking Taka’s head and he was just staring blankly, processing what he had just heard from their vocalist. It also made Taka start tearing up again like a baby after confessing that. Tomoya probably thinks he’s disgusting for liking his band member, and a guy? 

“You can go now. I’m sorry I said anything.” 

Tomoya snapped back from his thoughts after hearing Taka’s voice. He immediately pulled him into a tight hug. Turns out, Tomoya was okay with it. He’s got Taka’s back no matter what and since Taka was still figuring it out, he agreed on keeping it a secret from the other two. 

Toru strummed on his acoustic guitar, secretly eyeing Taka from time to time. After Tomoya’s visit to his house, his mood had slightly improved. He still didn’t talk to Toru. At least he’s not blanking out throughout the day. 

Taka noticed this so he went over to Tomoya and sat beside him, using Tomoya as a shield to protect himself from Toru. The drummer shot Toru an apologetic smile. 

It was 10 in the evening and everyone had gone home except for Toru and Tomoya. Toru put out his cigarette before turning to face his friend. He gave Tomoya the look.

Tomoya shrugged, “He never told me anything specific. Maybe he just needs time.” 

“It’s been two months Tomoya. I want my best friend back.” Toru answered softly. 

The drummer could only offer him a sad smile and a squeeze on his right shoulder. He promised Taka he wouldn’t tell Toru and Toru was upset. It hurt Tomoya as a friend to witness the both of them suffer because of each other. 


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toru and Taka made up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end for notes

Two months. Two months without his best friend. Taka knew he had gone too far over a small argument with Toru. Considering Toru doesn’t know the actual reason why he’s trying to stay away from him as much as possible. He was being unfair and he hates himself for it. He hates how he ruins things for himself as well as for the others. Lately he had been distancing himself from the band as well. He would go home right after meetings and band practices and not stay for meals or hang out together. There was nothing anyone could do to get him back. Everyone had given up on him and nobody would initiate anything with him anymore. Taka would lay on his bed alone at night and let himself overthink. Sometimes he’d cry, he didn’t have anyone to talk to. He recalled the days with Toru by his side whenever he would feel down. The other would try to cheer him up even though he’s the worst at it. He fucked up. And he had no idea on how to fix it.

Taka found out through Ryota and Tomoya that Toru had been seeing a girl. It broke his heart even further and the situation was only going to get worse. Toru no longer cared about Taka. He only cared about focusing on his current relationship. He is getting older and had always thought about building his own family. Hence fighting to keep his friendship with Taka isn’t something he’d prioritise about.

Taka walked aimlessly in the park, hoping to clear his head off after a long time of not being able to see the sun as a result of moping at home. He was absorbed in his own thoughts as he did not even notice the tall guy standing in front of him.

“Taka.” he called out. Taka looked up, only to see the person he had been missing and longing for months. The same guy he hates for shattering his little heart. They stared at each other in silence before Taka tore his gaze away from him, looking elsewhere. Taka scratched the back of his neck, trying to ease his nerves.

“Hey. How have you been?” Toru asked. He looked concerned. The smaller man huffed. The question was harmless, yet Taka felt so offended. Of course he wasn’t okay. Why would he be if he had been enduring things on his own. Toru did not even care to call or text him. He could have made that attempt to reconcile with Taka. Taka attempted to make an escape. However, the stronger man managed to grip Taka by his arm before he could walk away.

“We really need to talk. Stop running away from me.” He dragged Taka to his car and drove him to his house. The ride to Toru’s home was silent. Nobody said a word and Taka took that time to relax.

Once they were seated on Toru’s couch, Toru began, “I’m so sorry for the other day. I was just mad that I wasn’t able to help you feel better. You weren’t letting me help you.” Taka felt guilty, despite it being his own fault, Toru put the blame on himself. He did not deserve this.

"I think i’m in love with someone. And they don’t love me back. I was and still am, trying to get over them. I didn’t wanna tell you because it sounded stupid,” Toru stayed silent and Taka wasn’t sure if Toru even cared about what he just said. He secretly cringed at himself. He’s 31 and throwing an attitude because of a stupid crush. Who even has a crush when they’re past 30?

“But it still hurts. I care about them so much, but they don’t feel the same for me. It’s never gonna happen. Moving on is a lot harder because they’re just so close to me.” Taka kept his steady as he didn’t want to look like an awful crybaby in front of more people. Toru was still not talking and Taka was growing impatient. Eventually, Toru pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back. It was all too overwhelming for Taka and he might cry. He just wanted to be alone and now he’s in his crush’s arms suddenly bawling his eyes out. Taka can’t believe he’s betraying himself, now he feels like a loser.

“It’s okay… Your feelings are valid.” Toru calmly answered.

They stayed in that position till the whimpers died down. Toru noticed Taka’s lack of energy and offered him to stay the night. It had been awhile since they last slept beside each other, on the same bed. Both of them never had any problems with that. They felt comfortable around each other. Toru wrapped an arm around Taka’s waist and snuggled closer. Taka could hear his own heart pounding in his chest, he’s afraid Toru would too. Taka badly wanted to pull away but his head hurt and he was tired.

Before he could let himself do anything about it, he fell asleep. Taka couldn’t decide if he felt better after talking to Toru or it had made him feel worse. He felt the left side of the bed empty, meaning Toru was up. He stayed in bed for a few minutes before heading to the living room. Toru was sitting on the couch, where Taka had bawled his eyes out to him yesterday.

“You’re awake.” Toru announced. The vocalist gave him an awkward smile and took a seat beside him. He made sure there was a good space in between them. His head was still hurting from all the crying yesterday.

"Who is she? The person you’re in love with?”

Taka shifted in his seat. “Doesn’t matter, and it’s not a girl. I hope you’re okay with that.” _Fuck it_. He cursed internally.

“Oh.” He knew it. Toru’s disappointed in him. Everyone is-

Toru gave Taka’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I’m glad you’re being open to me about it. They’re very lucky, you’d make a good boyfriend.” 

Both the guitarist and vocalist were stuck to each other again like glue. It warmed Ryota and Tomoya’s heart to finally see them together after months. Things were beginning to be fine, but not for long. Taka should have known this was going to happen. They were gathered again to perform a live. They had time to spare before going up on stage so they were just catching up on each other’s lives. Ryota and Tomoya were sharing stories of their kids and Toru didn’t mention anything about his girlfriend. So Tomoya assumed.

"So how was Taka’s confession like?” He asked Toru. Taka’s eyes widened and he started to panic, looking at Tomoya with a pleading look. Toru turned his attention to the drummer, then to the vocalist.

"What do you mean? What confession?” Toru didn’t think it was about him. Instead, he felt anger bubbling inside of him as he thought about how Tomoya had lied to him about knowing what bothered Taka, and the fact that he knew who his crush was.

“Yeah, you know... Taka likes you?” Tomoya blurted out, he did not catch the look Taka was giving him. He didn’t even think of it. Before Toru could react, Taka stood up and rushed out of the room. Tomoya was the first to get up and chase him. _Well done idiot._ He cursed to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if this is alright! I feel like per chapter it could be longer? I just prefer to update frequently even though it's short... I'm so sorry if I made Taka a huge crybaby in this, I wanted him to appear more stronger but I had no idea on how to do it without making it seem less boring. I'm gonna make sure there won't be anymore tears the next chapter.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taka is lonely. Toru comes back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo i added a new tag, 
> 
> trigger warning!!
> 
> This chapter will mention, suicide???? (just barely, only one sentence) but to be safe pls pls pls do not read if you are uncomfortable! I added ** before mentioning it, so if you still want to read this chapter, you can skip that part, but I do not recommend. I didn't wanna include the mentioning of it but this chapter is already pretty heavy, so just don't read to be safe! Take care everyone!

It was their first time cancelling a show without valid reason. The first their vocalist had gone entirely missing. He wasn’t at his house, he wasn’t at his parents house, he wasn’t at any of his friends' house (not that they could knock on each and every one of his friend’s doors), he probably wasn’t even in Japan. They were lucky, they didn’t have anything more on their schedule for at least another two months. 

Taka was gone for a week, and appeared like nothing had happened. At least he tried to make it seem that way. He was tired of being weak. He was tired of depending on others to seek comfort. He took a week off to convince himself that being alone is okay. 

  
  


When he returned, he got tons of scolding and nagging from his company. That wasn’t even the worst part yet, Toru dragged Taka by his arm to go outside. “Where have you gone the whole week? We had to cancel the performance, our fans were totally upset. How could you do that?” Toru spoke calmly, he attempted to maintain his cool, not wanting to stress the vocalist further. 

“Why do you care? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m back now, let’s just move on.”

Toru stepped in front of the smaller man. “The person you have a crush on… Is it me?”

Taka’s face remained expressionless, his eyes still fixed on Toru’s. However, his heart raced. His hands and legs were trembling. He swallowed hard before pushing Toru away to get into the room. 

It was awkward. The whole session felt uncomfortable. Tomoya apologized to Taka countless times during short breaks. The more he apologized, the more pissed he got about it. By the 6th apology, Taka smacked the older’s head, hard.

When the session ended, Toru held Taka back to speak to him, alone. Again. Taka wasn’t allowed to say no, Toru was persistent. They were facing each other. The extreme silence made it harder for Taka to stay still. He fiddles with his fingers for a distraction.

“I’m straight, you know that right?”

Taka nodded in response. “I know, that’s why I said it would never happen. I wouldn’t have told you, I knew it was going to make you feel uncomfortable.” he explained. Of course he knew, that’s exactly the reason why he’s even more scared of telling Toru.

Toru felt bad. Taka didn’t deserve to be hurt by this. He deserves someone who would love him, someone who would do anything for him, someone that can make him happy. That someone isn’t Toru. Toru couldn’t force himself to like him when Taka is like a brother to him. Truthfully speaking, it _did_ make Toru uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry, Taka. There’s no way we could happen. I’m sorry I hurt you, you don’t deserve this.” 

It was a lie if Taka had claimed it didn’t pain him when Toru said that. It was his first time being rejected. Nobody ever said no to him. He was glad that after today, they won’t be meeting each other anymore for another two months. That way, he could wallow in his own sadness for months alone and away from everyone. Enough time for him to maybe get over the guitarist. 

  
  
  


It was tiring for Taka, having to bottle up his feelings. Taka so badly wanted to cry his heart out to someone and receive comforting words in return. He felt like his life was falling apart and it had only been a week. He just wants to feel better but he couldn’t. It was too lonely. Taka had a lot of friends, but none of them bothered to check on him. He was always the one making the first move, texting them first, asking them out. None of them would do the same. He questioned many times, what did he ever do to deserve this? It was a hard pill to swallow but Taka finally accepted that no one will ever love him. 

Taka sighed, scrolling through his instagram. Why is it that everyone seemed fine without him? Toru posted a picture of him with his girlfriend. Fans were going crazy. Some of them were angry, most of them were happy for him. Tomoya and Ryota posted pictures of their families. Taka could never own one. Not like this. Of course, he still had parents and brothers but they were all busy with their own lives. Everyone lived happily without him. He didn’t notice the tears dripping down already, making his pillow wet. He quickly wiped his tears, getting up to cook as a distraction from his unhealthy thoughts.

Taka thought that it would never come to this but he searched on the internet on ways to cope with loneliness. Hence, he cooked a lot, tried new recipes. Cleaned the house, wrote songs, watched movies. Everything. It helped him manage only to a certain extent. By night time, he was overthinking again. Why does he get nothing in return? He would always listen to his friends’ problems. He would do anything for them. 

******

When his turn came, no one cared. _If I die, no one would care._

******

He was listening to his sad playlist to drown out his own thoughts and suddenly it was all too much for him. The music only made it worse, the depressing lyrics screamed at him. Taka reached out to grab his phone, and sent a text to Toru. 

  
  


It was 3am, and Toru was at Taka’s house again. Earlier, he received a worrying text from Taka and without wasting any time, he rushed over in his pyjamas. He drove dangerously, the only thing in mind was to get there, fast. He found Taka in his room. He looked peaceful, lying down and listening to the soft music that played from his phone speaker. In contrast to what he’s actually feeling inside. The bed seemed large for a single person, Toru sat down in the empty space beside him. He didn’t know what to do or say, he just stayed there, relieved that his friend is safe. 

“Thank you, for coming.” Taka mumbled, hugging his pillow closer. He didn’t need Toru to talk to him, he just needed someone to be there. He wanted to make sure he’s not alone tonight. Toru did not have enough courage to touch him, so they both lay down next to each other. Taka getting a proper sleep for the first time in a while. 

Toru woke up to the smell of breakfast. As usual, he would brush his teeth, make his way to the kitchen and eat whatever Taka made for him. Toru felt bad if this was how Taka lived every day. This house was huge, and there was only Taka who lived in it. He observed the tattooed man packing some food into a lunchbox.

“Are you feeling better now?” 

Taka placed the lunchbox into a bag and placed it on the table in front of Toru. “Yes. Thank you for keeping me company. I packed you some food so you can leave after you’re done.” 

The truth is, Toru did not want to leave. He wanted to stay and make sure Taka feels better instead of assuming he was, just because he said so. He wished to tell Taka that he had broken up with his girlfriend so he’s available to hang out with him more, just like when they were in their 20s. He could tell straight away that his friend was miserable. He had developed dark circles, even after he took a shower he looked messy. His hair not done, his clothings were unmatched and he slouched. He lacked energy. Unlike before, he was a bright person and always smiled. Toru wondered if it was all an act. 

“If it gets too quiet and lonely, call me. I’m always here when you need me, you know that right?” Toru said before leaving.

Taka didn’t get the chance to feel down again as Toru invited Takeru and Shohei over the next day. He hoped it would improve Taka’s mood after witnessing how depressed he looked the day before. Also to prove that he still had friends. He questioned Takeru and Shohei and none of them knew about Taka’s situation. 

Takeru gave his best friend a tight hug. It was a long embrace, he missed the actor so much. He’d always decide against texting his friend, afraid that he might seem clingy and desperate if he kept trying to communicate with him. Toru and Shohei watched them cling to each other, not wanting to let go.

The four of them sat around a round table with a mixture of food and drinks placed in the middle. Taka noticed strawberry flavoured snacks, chips, and drinks. He inwardly smiled at that, happy that they still remembered his favourite food. The four of them chatted normally. Toru’s heart warmed, seeing Taka content. 

They were running out of topics so they sat there, munching away on chips. “I’m really thankful for this.” Taka spoke.

Takeru put down his bags of chips, focusing on Taka. “We hope you’re feeling better. It hurts me to hear from Toru that you’re isolating yourself. I don’t like my best friend to be sad.” 

When Takeru found out about Taka, he felt useless. Useless that he wasn’t there earlier for Taka. He was busy shooting for his new drama, too busy to notice that his friend had been gone from social media and their chat group. He did not hear from Taka for months and he was actually okay with it. If only Takeru had taken a minute to send him a message, Taka would have known that he had at least Takeru to rely on. That would have made a huge difference. 

Toru requested to stay after the two actors said their goodbyes. He helped Taka with the cleaning, since it was his idea to have a mini get together in the singer’s house. 

“Why are you doing this? Don’t you have to be with your girlfriend?” the little man asked, relaxing on his big sofa.

“We broke up. And that is _not_ the reason why I did all of this. I genuinely give a fuck about you, dumbass.” the guitarist ruffled his hair, finally being able to sit close to him. Taka rested his head on Toru’s shoulder. 

Toru had broken up with his girlfriend 2 weeks ago, the two of them had the same personality, they clicked well in the beginning. However, Toru began to learn that he wanted someone different. Someone who’s the opposite. Although they’d broken up, they were still friends. That was the reason why Toru still had their photos up.

Toru ran his hand through Taka’s hair. “I’ve been thinking,”

Taka tilted his head up to look at Toru, “What?” he asked. 

The guitarist answered, indistinctly. However loud enough for the other to hear, “I want to give it a try... The dating thing.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it.. Feel like this chapter is too much sigh. I feel unmotivated actually because my english is terrible but I will try to finish this aaaaand the chapter is still too short. I'll try to write a longer one maybe 5k before posting. Please leave comments!


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst...

It was the first time Taka had felt how it was like to be loved and pampered. He was never the one to receive, always the one to offer. Toru did a great job at being a boyfriend too, he cared for Taka just like he did for his past girlfriends. He never left the vocalist’s side. He was always there with him. Toru would sleep next to Taka, cuddled with him till morning. At times he’d prepare breakfast, waking up earlier than the vocalist. He wasn’t the best at cooking, but it was edible and enough to make Taka happy. If Taka was cooking, he’d accompany him, sitting on the kitchen stool, admiring the vocalist.

He thinks he’s starting to get used to it now. 

“So you two are dating now? Thanks to me?” Tomoya exclaimed. It was almost his dream to see Toruka happen, and they did. He was getting tired of seeing them both arguing and being sad. He also knew Toru would take good care of Taka’s fragile heart. Tomoya loved the vocalist and wouldn’t want him to end up hurt. Even though the drummer was always bullied, he adored Taka. They took care of each other even if it didn’t seem like it. He knew how sensitive the small guy was, one tiny mistake could end up ruining him.

“Shut up.” Toru whacked Tomoya’s shoulder before offering Taka a container of fruits that he had cut for him.

Tomoya gaped at Toru’s sudden sweetness. He had never seen the guitarist this sappy before. He was also stunned, seeing how fast their relationship was going. It had only been a month and Toru was already showering Taka with kisses and feeding him fruits. 

Even though Toru felt like it was going too well, he couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. He pretends he enjoys the kisses he received from Taka and forces himself to return the kiss. When Taka says “I love you” to him, he responds with a quick “Me too” without really meaning it. 

As for the vocalist, there were days he would still feel unwanted. Dating Toru is too good to be true. He just couldn’t believe it yet. It felt weird knowing that Toru was just experimenting, he just wanted to give it a try. He might not even be in love with him. It’s not the same. During those days, Taka would press close to Toru’s chest. He would zone out while Toru played with his hair, his mind was elsewhere, somewhere dark. Toru noticed this and would rub his boyfriend’s back in an attempt to calm him down. When Toru showed affection during those times, the tears would form in his eyes. He was not used to love and being shown affection made him sensitive, he was confused yet moved. He wanted so much to share his thoughts and insecurities with Toru, but he couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to seem weak. He was afraid Toru would judge him for feeling that way.

Taka was right.

“I don’t think I can love him like that, Ryota. I feel like I am forcing myself too much.” Toru whispered to his best friend, afraid that his boyfriend could hear their conversation. 

Ryota sighed in frustration, “Then why did you agree to date him in the first place? Do you know how hurt Mori-chan could be because of you?” He sounded pissed off and it was the first time anyone had ever heard him raise his voice. 

“He was lonely! I couldn’t think of other ways to help him than being his boyfriend and look, he doesn’t know about this and he’s much better now. He’s my best friend and if I have to force myself into pretending that i’m actually in love with him for the sake of his happiness, then so be it.” Toru stomped off after firing back at his childhood friend. He hurried past a small figure in the shadows, not realising it was his boyfriend. That his boyfriend had listened to the entire conversation. 

Taka didn’t know what to feel anymore. He was stuck in between feeling upset and touched that his friend would sacrifice his feelings in order to keep him happy. Tons of questions float around in his head; What did he do wrong? Is it so hard for someone to love him? Is he that unattractive? Is his personality trash? What is lacking in him? 

Taka was on the sofa, still thinking about what he had heard earlier. He buried his head in his hands, leg bouncing uncontrollably. Toru eyed his boyfriend in worry.

“Babe,” Toru called out and placed his hand on top of Taka’s right leg to stop him from shaking it.

Taka flinched before turning to face the person who will never love him back. The person who was too good for him.

“You’re spacing out again. What’s wrong?” He took Taka’s hands into his. Toru found it difficult to figure him out. Even when they’re dating, Taka always seemed so stressed out, overthinking. What would be enough for Taka?

Taka pulled his hands out from Toru’s grasp. If he said something now, he would surely break down. So he fled into his room. He didn’t feel like talking. He just needs to think. Think about how he must change. Which part of him needs change. How will he do it? Should he be a little more feminine and grow his hair out again? 

Toru joined him in his bed, wrapping his left arm around Taka’s waist. “I’ve given you many passes already, i’m not letting this slide again so tell me, what’s going on?” 

Taka removed Toru’s arm, “I don’t feel like talking, can’t you respect that?” The smaller man snapped, leaving Toru shocked. What made the vocalist angry? Toru couldn’t figure it out no matter how hard he tried. The guitarist surrendered, he folded his arms and quietly rested his head on their shared pillow. They enjoyed the comfortable silence for a few minutes, before Taka spoke again, “It’s been a month now, do you love me?”

Toru hesitated, however, managed to come up with a reply, “I do love you.” 

_It wasn’t a lie_ , Toru convinced himself. He does love Taka, as a bandmate, as a friend, as a brother. He picked on his skin and stared at the blank ceiling. What had he gotten himself into? 

Taka softly nodded, muttered a soft “okay”. Toru got up, snatched his pack of cigarettes and lighter before heading out of the room with the vocalist just watching him leave. He bit his lip, trying not to burst into tears hopelessly again as he attempted to sleep the hurt off. 

By the time the other came back, Taka was already asleep. Toru made his way towards Taka and sighed. He didn’t know it would be this exhausting to pretend to have feelings for someone. Toru wanted so badly to reverse time and take back his words of wanting to date the vocalist. They kissed often, but Toru felt weird and couldn’t make himself believe that he liked it. “I’m sorry Taka” he whispered before leaving the older man to sleep in another room.

  
  
Taka stood by Toru’s door, folding his arms, “Why didn’t you sleep with me?” 

Toru rubbed his eyes, he was still in the process of waking up. He glanced at the man who was wearing Toru’s large shirt with comfortable shorts. He looked adorable, like a kid, Toru smiled as he noted that. 

“Sorry, I didn’t wanna wake you, I came back late.” he apologized, slowly getting up from his bed. He walked over and gave Taka a hug. It was like their routine to have morning cuddles before starting their day. Today, Toru opted for a short embrace. Taka buried his face in Toru’s chest, enjoying the taller man’s warmth. It felt so good that he forgot everything that happened yesterday in the moment and he wished Toru held him a little longer. The younger pulled away and headed for the shower without saying a word to him.

That was the last he’d seen Takahiro.

  
  


Tomoya slammed the expensive wooden table, startling Tomoya’s oldest son before he ran out of the room. Tomoya, Ryota and Toru were at the drummer’s house after receiving a call from Toru asking him if he knew where Taka was. Two days passed, the man did not answer any of their calls and it brought back memories of a few months ago when Taka disappeared without a word. Taka would never run away, but recently he had been doing that a lot. Neither of them knew why. Tomoya could already tell it was Toru’s fault. He never should’ve trusted the guitarist. 

“What the fuck! You had one job, Toru. Be there as his friend, let him get over you by himself!” Tomoya shouted. The two friends fell silent. 

“But he doesn’t know it yet, it’s impossible he’s gone because of that.” Toru replied defensively.

Tomoya got up from his chair, pulling Toru up by his arm and pushed him, “Go and search for him! Get the fuck out of my house.”

Ryota followed behind. The usual joyful drummer was nowhere to be found. He’s starting to blame Taka for it. For causing all of this. If he hadn’t been so sensitive, they would have been fine now, but he just witnessed their drummer losing his temper and their guitarist panicking like crazy.

He placed his hand on Toru’s shoulder, “Let’s just wait till he comes back. Don’t be so stressed out, Toru.”

“Are you not going home?” Taka’s mother asked. She was concerned about her grown up son who visited her often looking down and upset most of the time. She also found out that Taka had skipped a few band meetings previously for two weeks while at his brother’s house. 

Taka shook his head and sipped on the glass of water placed in front of him. “I need a break from them.” He simply answered, getting up to wash his glass and plopped on the couch. 

“But don’t you feel bad for them? I noticed the missed calls they left, they must be so worried about you.”

He groaned loudly, “They _lied_ to me. You don’t know what happened.” Taka couldn’t help the hint of irritation in his voice. His mother followed him to her sofa and stared at him in worry. This does not feel like her son anymore. 

“I’ll go home later.. I just want to be alone for now.” 

  
  


When Taka woke up on the sofa, the first thing he did was check his phone. 47 missed calls from Toru and 35 missed calls from Tomoya. He also noticed that he had slept till the next day. He only got one leg off the couch when he heard Ryota and Toru’s voice. He thought he was dreaming because it wasn’t possible that his mom would sell him out… right?

“I’m so sorry he’s acting like that. When he wakes up, we’ll talk to him.” He heard his mom whisper, trying not to wake him up and completely unaware that he was wide awake, listening to them talk about him.

Taka found it funny that even his mom would do him dirty like this. He told her that Toru had lied to him and betrayed him, but why did she let him in? Why does everyone love to hurt him?

“Why did you let them in?” 

Toru’s head spun upon hearing the familiar sweet voice that he loved. He would have swooned over the voice but Taka was fuming. He breathed hard and his fists were clenched, looking as if he would punch Toru if the guitarist said a word. 

Taka didn’t even listen to what his mom said after explaining to him that she only did this to save his career and relationship with his bandmates as well as reminding him to stop running away from his problems. He felt hopeless in that situation, nobody was listening to him.

“You lied to me,” Taka took a step closer and poked harshly on Toru’s shoulder, causing Toru to swat his hand away, ego getting hurt.

“You pretend to love me because you pity me. Is it because you’re embarrassed of how pathetic I am, being alone? You think I can’t handle it, knowing that nobody loves me?” Taka cried, anger and frustration rippling through him in waves. Warm tears streamed down his face and all they could do was watch him break. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst because I can't write fluff at all, I tried.. I hope you liked it despite me breaking my promise of 5 tHoUsAnD wOrDs... This also looks rushed and I did not proofread this oh god I am so sorry. Will update soon if I stop being depressed from this quarantine, hopefully before or on Taka's birthday.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taka, finally trying to move on.

It had been so difficult for Taka the past few months and he did not even allow himself to crumble. He wasn’t sure why but he felt like it was embarrassing to be vulnerable in front of his bandmates. They are a rock band. Rock bands are tough. However, he ached for comfort, for someone, anyone, to hold him and ask him if he’s okay. He would probably lie, but he thinks it would make him feel better to know that someone cared enough to ask him. It would be a lie if Taka said no one had checked up on him, Toru and Tomoya did, multiple times. When Taka was isolating himself during breaks.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Toru asked, nudging his arm with his elbow.

“I guess,” Taka replied, hiding his hurt behind a shrug. “I just didn’t have enough sleep.”

That was it. He never told Toru that he wasn’t feeling okay. He felt stupid and pathetic for craving attention. That’s exactly how he felt, crying so openly in front of three pairs of eyes. 

Toru opened his arms, pulling him in for a comfort hug.

“Don’t touch me.” Taka hiccuped against his shoulders. Despite his words, he never moved away. He secretly enjoyed Toru’s warmth, comforting him.

“Go away…” he wailed, voice muffled by the damp fabric of Toru’s shirt. 

Toru stroked Taka’s raven hair, hoping it would calm him down but Taka wasn’t having it. He staggered to the couch again, feeling weak in his legs. _Fuck,_ Taka thought to himself. 

It was a painful sight for Toru as he knew he was the one responsible for it. It didn’t help when Taka’s mother kept asking him if he was okay. The blonde politely asked her to leave to let Taka breathe and to give them some privacy. Completely unaware that his presence only made the vocalist more miserable.

Toru kneeled beside the couch, hesitant to touch him. He knew he screwed up and he will not be easily forgiven. “I’m sorry Taka,” Toru broke the silence, “I wanted you to be happy.”

Hurt flashed in Taka’s eyes, but it’s gone as quick as it came, replaced by anger and hatred. He already stopped crying and was wearing a murderous look. “Does this look happy to you?”

Toru didn’t know what to say, so he stayed quiet. He avoided the other man’s eyes as he felt guilt consuming him. Toru was convinced a few weeks ago that his plan would work. He had imagined himself successfully loving Taka even as friends. He didn’t expect Taka would find out about it. While he dived deep into his own thoughts, Taka already rushed his way out the door. 

He cursed his short legs for being extremely unhelpful in this situation. Toru was right behind him. He could do this, his legs are shorter but he’s light, he’s the best at running. He wanted to get away, he can’t be around Toru anymore.

“Taka, please.” Toru shouted, increasing his pace. Toru cursed as he regrets not training anymore, it’s been awhile since he went for a run and his stamina turned to shit. It definitely did not help at times like this.

The smaller man was succeeding but the world was against him as he tripped over a rock. He hissed in pain, dusting the dirt off his knees. After that, he just sat there, wiping the tears off his face with his sleeves, hating the world for doing this to him. 

Taka felt himself being lifted off the floor and then placed on a bench. He was too tired to put on a fight. Toru fussed over his injuries, blowing onto his scraped knees. What a coincidence that he was wearing shorts, too. Just perfect. 

“We should get you home. Have your wounds cleaned, and then I'll leave. Sounds good?” Toru suggested even though he wasn’t really asking. The guitarist carried Taka on his back and called a cab to get home. The smaller man let Toru do it his way, since he just wants the guy to leave. 

When they arrived, Taka hurried inside, leaving Toru behind to pay for the ride. Thankfully, he obediently sat down on the couch and waited for the blonde. He didn’t even feel pain from his scraped knees, just focused on the pain he had to deal with, which is Toru.

He didn’t flinch the slightest when Toru cleaned his bloody knees. He wasn’t paying attention. His heart beats fast when Toru’s gentle fingers brush over the wounds, careful not to hurt the vocalist and checking if he showed any signs of discomfort. This should have convinced Taka that Toru still cared for him, but his mind tells him otherwise. After attending to his injuries, Toru didn’t leave like he promised. He told Taka that he didn’t trust him to be left alone. It made Taka swear under his breath, visibly clenching his jaw while he folded his arms like a sulking kid. Toru rolled his eyes and kept a distance from him by occupying one of the guest rooms in Taka’s huge apartment. He was going to give him space, the tiny guy should at least be thankful for that. If he followed his heart, he would stick to him the remaining hours of the day and not lose sight of him because he couldn’t help but feel responsible for everything that happened.

Tomoya had been angry to the point that he wouldn’t talk to his guitarist. Not even a single person thought to ask him if he was okay, the person that everyone deemed evil and had hurt the fragile man, was in fact, in pain as well. It wasn’t easy to pretend to like someone and give up your own happiness, only to cry yourself to sleep, drowning in your own blame and sadness. Especially right after a break up. He liked the girl so much, but they didn’t work out and it was his fault for not trying to win her back. He didn’t take a break, just thought it was a good idea to “date” Taka. All he felt at the time was how he wanted to make everything better for the vocalist. He was done seeing him depressed and alone. Toru would rather switch places with Taka than to let him go through that. He thought he was smart. It was a huge mistake and it ended up hurting both of them. 

Taka wouldn’t have imagined reaching probably the saddest point of his life at the age of 31. He had gone through a lot of depressing times when he was in his teenage years. None of them hurt this much. Maybe it’s due to his past that contributes to his current situation. He had been betrayed, left behind and looked down upon. Now he’s left with insecurities and a fear of being alone. When he sits in his room, having no one to talk to, his thoughts run wild. He thinks it’s his fault, he is an evil person, he’s annoying, he’s too loud, he always wants to be the center of attention. Taka noticed that, he then lessened his talking when he conversed with his friends or fellow bandmates. He hid his opinions just to please others, realising it was detrimental to his own mental health.

Taka didn’t cook the next day, he had no appetite to eat and had no strength to get out of bed. He was still tired from yesterday’s ordeal, considering the number of times he cried. His mom left him texts, asking him if he was feeling better and that she’s sorry. Taka ignored all of them. He woke up at 7am but he rested on his bed till noon, that was when he received a soft knock on his bedroom door.

He glanced at the person who casually entered his room. Toru was holding breakfast he most likely had made, setting it down on Taka’s bedside table. “Eat something.” Toru said while he sat down on Taka’s huge bed without asking. The smaller man looked lost and didn’t answer. He resumed staring at the ceiling, hugging his duvet tighter. 

“You’re still mad at me?” 

“It doesn’t take a day for the pain to go away, Toru. Think about it.” Taka replied angrily. He dramatically faced the other way, making the bed shake. If there weren’t any tension in the room, Toru would’ve pointed out how cute the vocalist was acting. 

Toru let out a long sigh before asking, “Then what do you want me to do?” 

“Get out.”

Toru was not leaving without a fight. He wanted the vocalist to at least understand the brighter side of the entire act. He got off the bed and crouched down to Taka’s eye level. 

“I’ll apologize a hundred times if I have to.” Toru reached up a hand to caress his forehead, but the smaller male was quick to swat it away with his left hand. Toru’s jaw clenched. He shut his eyes and exhaled deeply through his nose. He was gradually losing his patience. When he slowly opened his eyes, it showed anger and Taka was scared. Toru barely got angry before.

“I don’t understand. You want the attention, but you’re pushing me away. What exactly do you want, Takahiro? You want me to beg you? Want me to write a book about how much I regret hurting you and that I am so sorry? Do I have all the time in the world for this? You’re lucky I am still single, otherwise we would have given up on you, so quit being so stubborn.” 

Taka felt tears prick at his eyes but blinked hard and forced them away, he avoided Toru’s eyes and chose to stare on the floor instead. He doesn’t have any right to cry. He made the guitarist angry because he was selfish. In addition to that, he was labelled an attention seeker and of all people, his precious Toru?

_I’m sorry, don’t leave._

Toru decided to get out and leave the food there, knowing that the older was stubborn when it came to situations like this and would only eat once he felt better. Toru was ready for the clean up he’d have to do after the attack but all he could think of is to calm down and leave the house before he caused anymore damage. 

Though really, Taka still wanted the man to stay. He doesn’t know why he was being so problematic, but at that moment he wanted Toru to sit there and scold him. Scold him and then baby him, because he is an attention seeker. He would die for attention, just like what Toru said, right?

So Taka stayed in bed a little longer after Toru abandoned his sad ass in his own apartment. He decided he was going to get over this, and if he’s going to get better, he needs to work on it, instantly. Taka emerged from his man cave and started his day by eating Toru’s nasty breakfast. After that, he took out his old sketchbook and doodled for hours. Something he didn't do for a very long time. Since he had been distracted with his feelings and Toru.

Toru came back later that night, when he was sure Taka had fallen asleep. He went into Taka's room and heaved a sigh of relief when he noticed the tray of food was gone, knowing that Taka most likely ate his food before cleaning. Toru headed back to his own apartment for the first time in weeks, it would be better to leave Taka by himself to calm himself down from their conflict.

A week later, they held another get together at Toru’s place. Toru, Ryota and Tomoya were laughing at a video shown on the drummer’s phone. Immediately, Taka felt out of place. He shouldn’t have showed up, he was foolish. Toru’s last words to him kept replaying in his head.

 _We would have given up on you._ Toru was right. They have completely given up on him. They did not even send a single text to him for a week.

“Come and sit with us Mori-chan. What are you doing standing there?” Ryota said, patting the space in between him and Toru. He settled on a seat further from them, but on the same couch. He leaned his head against the back of the chair and shut his eyes, trying to ignore the pounding headache. 

The three boys were loud, too loud for Taka who was not feeling well. He felt like throwing up. Toru noticed his mood and had to fight the urge to console him. He assumes Taka will reject his help. The smaller man then excused himself to the bathroom. 

_Breathe, idiot._ He mentally said to himself. Taka will get through today. Today is just the beginning, he will fake his mood, ignore the tension and things will go back to how it was before this _mess_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's been awhile, I know I said I would update before Taka's birthday, but I could only write when i'm in a certain mood and finally, this disaster. If you spot any mistakes do let me know because this is the only chapter that I did not proofread and the most chaotic one? I think I did pretty decent...? Share your thoughts!


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